Life Is Crazy!!!!!

Eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
This is stupid!!!!!

Its the small things that make me love life. If u were to ask me 6 months ago if I liked my life just a little I probably would have said no, not even a little bit. Ask me now and I’ll tell you that I have things to improve on, but I absolutely love my life.

Right now as I type this I am downtown sitting in some random park that I had no idea was here. There’s a water fountain and flowers and memorial statues. As I write this there’s a girl playing on her drums the sound of water flowing and the sun on me.

I realized something a few minutes ago and its what made me want to write this. Is that I am absolutely grateful and thankful for everything I have in my life. And I may not show it or know how to express it properly with out sounding mushy, but I really truly am.

Know what baffels me though, is I’ve been to my doctors many times before and each time go in the same doors and walk by the same park, but yet I have never noticed it before.

I’m just in complete awe that I had no clue.

Anyways have a good day enjoy the weather and stay happy.

What a great weekend I had. It started on friday and a great day with Caylla and I getting pedicure’s done then going to my big sisters house for the weekend and having a few drinks. I invited this girl I’m crushing on and she even came. Even though it was all the way in Airdre. I was pretty shocked. Then that night after smoking a joint haha ( I don’t smoke it often) jennie emailed me. And it was like fuck this and everything came out. I told her that I need to get over her.

I realized something this weekend. I am way better with out her. I’m growing so much. I wouldn’t have been able to grow like this with her. I am finally learning about me. I still have far to come, but I’m getting there. I’m doing the steps to make me better.

I can’t speak for her, but I am personally proud of myself, and I don’t need her to try to manipulate my way of thinking. I don’t need her to convince me that I am a mess without her. She wants me to go for a drive later on in the week. Mmmm nope its not that I’m not ready to see (even though that is part of it) I just don’t want to see her. Considering the only time I really miss her is when I have my lonely nights, but then I have baby cat and tumblr to keep me less lonely. Or at least occupied for that moment. Is it wrong that I don’t want to see her? Nah I don’t think it is.

Anyways thought I would do a quick blurb about my weekend and thoughts. :) have a gooder I’m going to bed now listening to tegan and sarah while I fall asleep they rock my world. Maybe they’ll rock my dreams tonight. :)

 Dating is complicated and i don’t like it, but I like pretty girls. That’s where my issue lies I get so nervous and so shy around pretty girls that i forget how to speak sometimes. And then I’ll end up talking about some random embarrassing story to make her laugh. Then I’ll forget what i’m talking about and i’ll loose my train of thought and go onto a totally random topic. Am i the only person like that?

 And whats up with girls playing hard to get? I get the teasing part of playing hard to get, but the hardcore playing mind games? whats up with that? You’re either into me or not. why cant you just say straight up dude your a creepy mother fucker and I so don’t dig you that way. Or hey i really just wanna fuck and nothing else. I am a big girl and i can take it. Don’t keep me guessing I’m not a mind reader, and I’m new to all this dating thing. 

 I came out only a few years ago, and went right into a long term relationship. So i never got to experience the things that most of the other lesbians i know have already gone through. I’m lucky that i have friends and family supportive of me, but sometimes i feel like they don’t understand what I’m going through. Its like i am re learning who i am all over again. I know sounds weird.I’ve always knew who i was, i knew i always was attracted to females, but lately i need to learn about all these things i never knew about before.

 Anyways i’m rambeling about nothing i should go to bed my mind is really scattered tonight. haha

 I will continue this blog on a later night when my thoughts are one! :)

good night uh random readers!

Its such a cliche I never thought I would be that person to email back and forth to people. I don’t do it as much as some people do, but I do. I think I need to change my email. I can’t do it anymore. Its the only place she can reach me. I guess she can always pick up the phone and call me on the house phone. I prefer she didn’t. Infact I prefer her to just not talk to me at all.

I know I sent her an email after she sent me back my last email that I emailed to her a month ago. What was up with that anyways? Who knows anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck. Like I make progress in my life and then somehow she sows up and I slide back even more. Like there’s an energy forcing me back to my old ways. I need to cut that damn rope. Or whatever it is.

Do break ups always feel like this? Like seriously I don’t know what to do. I’m making huge strides for myself and doing everything to better me. Why can she still piss me off so much.

what comes first lust or love? if lust comes first then fuck lust is a fucking hardcore emotion. then you fall out of lust and fall in love? love messes you up pretty good too. every emotion you get with it. everything is heightened 10 times more then what you ever thought love would be. Does these feelings happen every time you fall in love? If they do then I’m excited for the next time i fall in lust, but I’m scared too. I’m sick of getting hurt. i know I’ve hurt my ex before too, but i feel like i was walked on pretty good. she danced on my mind.

Know whats sad and funny at the same time? the fact that some times i feel like the only friends i have is my Facebook games, but i know that isn’t true. Its just that all of a sudden I’m the only single one left. That makes my days even more lonely. i know i need a job and i will get one soon i hope. i need to get my shit into gear.

  I know I have made a lot of progress in my life, you know i got accepted into school. I’m trying to get funding through Alberta works. That is a whole new task and stress in its own, but there is other good news with getting into school. I am getting re-assessed for my learning disability. I know it sounds like its a bad thing but it really isn’t bad at all. I’m excited to learn about what type of learner i am. and also with going to school for a teachers assistant I’ll learn more about other learning disabilities. 

 Its a big step I’m taking all of this everything i have done in the last few months was about taking care of me. Its a weird feeling taking care of yourself worrying about yourself and not about your lover and you. To take steps to make your life better. not steps that will better the both of you.

I’m so not ready yet. I just want to get my life on track, and I’m doing every step I can to get my life on track. That is what makes me proud of myself. I am doing everything possible to make my life better, and to make a happier me.

Now my question is. Is it wrong that I am not ready to see my ex yet? That when I ran into her and one of the back stabbers that I almost broke down into tears? That I went to extreme anxiety attack. Stupid built up energy that only comes out at times when I should be staying calm.

I know she doesn’t get it. I’m getting sick of explaining why I can’t see her. I’m getting sick of the drama that is related to her. I want to get over her, and that is another step I am taking to better myself. Many people may think its mean of me to think this way, but I think that this is the only way I can do it. I’m sick of going in the same pattern.

Yeah so I blocked her from everything. What else am I supposed to do? I am not ready to know what she is doing, and quit frankly I kinda don’t want her to know what I’m doing. Even though I have this blog set up to show on twitter and I bet she can read it whenever she wants, I guess so let it be.

Another question is. Is it so bad that I want to express my feelings out here on a blog? So what the world can read it. I’m finding this as if it was my very own form of counseling. Haha and its free. What more can I ask? I get all my thoughts/ feelings out there. I bet over a million other people blog for the same reason. So why judge me?